“I don’t know what to do with myself
Now that you’ve left.
My hands itch for cigarettes even though I’ve never smoked one
In my entire life. I know that’s unhealthy
And destructive, but sometimes when you hurt so bad
You try to hurt more in other ways to forget
Your original pain.
I’m sprawled in my backyard listening to
Aaron West And The Roaring Twenties
Watching the blue sky slowly get swallowed
By gray clouds. You were a quick and quiet storm
That engulfed my whole sun in one swift gulp.
Now as I watch the storm cell approach I can only run
A few options through my head.
I could cut you off cold turkey,
Burn your pictures like they do in the movies and refuse to call you
Unless I’m roaring drunk and can manage to remember your number.
But I also remember how bad that first half of the year was when
I quit my sleeping pills and depression medication all at once
On a Thursday evening.
My skin ran cold and my eyes were perpetually heavy with the weight
Of will trying to overcome chemistry.
To avoid an imbalance I could immerse myself back into every song
That we would hum softly in your bedroom while
Your generic mall perfume clung to everything you touched,
And I could still drive by your house maybe and imagine you on your front steps
With both headphones in, smiling sweetly at the sky whether it was sunny or not.
Then slowly, I could wean myself off you like and addict does.
Or maybe I could call you (when I’m sober not drunk)
And we could talk about menial things like how your teams are doing or
If my grandmother is doing better or not. After the silence passes
For a few seconds, once all mundane topics have been blown out,
I might ask you (or you might ask me)
“How are you doing?”
With an extra emphasis on that word “you” because
At the end of the day that’s whom I will always be wanting snug next to me on my mattress.
Both of us we’ll say that we’re fine even though we’ve never been close
And I guess I’ll have to call that closure because the second I hang up the phone
I know that you’ll never be closer.
As opposed to that I suppose I could go and try to destroy us,
If we are both broken down enough then
We can’t be hurt by each other anymore.
It’s not my usual tendency but in situations involving blood leaking from the heart
One might have to take unlikely measures to patch it back up,
In this case making it so that there is no heart to bleed at all.
And if for some reason,
None of these methods work,
I still can’t be worse off from where I started.”
“That’s how you know you love someone, I guess, when you can’t experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too.”